Written 26 October 2020,
I’ve had some mental health issues, according to the people that know, its several acronyms shortening long words down, according to my Mum its “going a bit funny”.
The way I see it these conditions weaken my mental immune system gradually until it’s so out of whack (technical term) that the slightest thing ends up with me hiding in a shed, or doing something stupid. (ok that’s probably not what’s happening but it’s how I see it your mileage may vary).
Here’s the thing, you need to worry about stuff, you need to be sad about stuff, that’s normal and healthy (it sucks sometimes but…) the problem comes with the letter that’s often tagged onto those fun acronyms, “D” for disorder, it’s when the anxiety becomes all consuming, the sadness is inescapable, all the joy and fun is sucked out of life, and even something as passive as reading or watching TV is a strain.
But it’s not that simple, you have good days and bad, my problems didn’t manifest at the very dark end of the spectrum too often (possibly because I got help). It was more a grinding low level misery, mixed with occasional terrifying panic attacks.
It’s a bit like being in a real life sitcom, can you imagine how bloody miserable a real “Mr Bean” would be with everything going wrong and always the butt of life’s jokes. It’s no coincidence that the “sad clown” is a favourite fictional device.
So, there I was (still am a bit), the sad clown, the punch line to my own funny stories “you will never guess what happened to me!”
The thing that really got out of control was OCD, much misunderstood condition I bet the first thing you think of is being tidy and washing a lot, don’t forget the “D”, it’s the fact that these obsessions take over your life, and while cleanliness and order are common obsessions they are not universal, I’m by no means tidy and very unlikely to wash my hands till the skin comes off.
It is quite possible that I could spend several hours checking if a door is locked or a light is off (I have pictures, ask me to show you my fascinating collection of key and light switch photos, unlimited storage on google is not my friend).*
So, I asked for help,
Easy
Well no, first of all you have to realise that you have a problem, then you have to tell someone about it.
It’s something you have to do on your own, that first step and it’s hard.
Still never mind get over that and you get all sorted.
Err no, not really it means you are in the system.
I’m not a mental health professional, and I don’t have wide ranging experience of mental health issues, ail can do is share what happened to me.
First up there was no way I was going to the doctors; I hate the doctors all that sitting waiting drives me mad. Anyway, doctors are for sick people…
So, I went along to staff counselling….
That was the best decision I had made in a long time. Everyone was really nice and I got set up with an assessment, now it must be said that one thing that becomes obvious when you start on this sort of thing is that nothing happens fast, it’s not what they call “critical care” it’s supposed to stop you needing it. It’s also a limited resource, i.e. there is a waiting list. However, they do work hard to stop people falling through the net and I had some mindfulness classes to tide me over.
You may find mindfulness the best thing since sliced bread, let’s just say it wasn’t for me, but at least I was doing something.
When I started the counselling, it was very helpful. The counselor helped me to see I did need to go to the doctors and helped me set up an appointment, they also helped me get in touch with occupational health.
My doctor was very good and put me on a lowish dose of antidepressants, I’ve been lucky and have not had many side effects, and I’m sure the medication has allowed me to tackle the harder parts of my therapy.
Oddly you have to sign up to the mental health service (it’s got another acronym) yourself, I assume that’s so you can bypass your doctor if you feel it’s necessary.
So, I did that and had a telephone consultation, (this was pre covid so a bit of a novelty to me) that went well and I much prefer waiting in my home to sitting all morning in a waiting room.
The NHS people diagnosed me with a handful of letters, and put me on a waiting list, but gave me the option of some online therapy.
Ok the online therapy is fine; it gives you some idea of what to expect and helps you understand what’s going on in your head. The best bit was that for a limited time you had a real person reviewing your progress and helping you via email.
My counsellor had given me a book list and some online resources to look at and I had regular sessions.
The online course finished leaving me a bit in the lurch, you do get this a lot, it’s the limited resources again it seems if you are not “better” in 6 sessions you are stuck.
The NHS kept me informed of how long it would be before I could get any face to face therapy (two years…) Then covid hit and they basically said don’t hold your breath.
Luckily for me Occy health got me hooked up with a Phycologist, just as lock down hit.
This was a real turning point; I had all the books and online stuff but I didn’t know how and what to apply. Just having someone convince me that I wasn’t “Mr Bean” was a massive step. Another one was realising that it was the anxiety itself I was having a problem with not the stuff I was worried about.
Again, this was a limited number of sessions but I got so much out of them that I can (I hope) manage by myself.
So am I fixed, well no, and I rather suspect that this is always going to be hanging about, and one of the ways of dealing with anxiety is getting used to the feeling so you can deal with it which is easier said than done, on the one hand the lock down has given me the freedom to work on my problems on the other hand it has limited access and given me easy opt outs for things that will push myself to get better.
The problems in my life that I wasn’t coping with are still there, the OCD still nips at my heels and taunts me like a playground bully, and sometimes I’d still rather hide than go do “the thing”.
But am I in a better place than I was two years ago? Yes, I think so, a work in progress rather than closed for repairs.
Thanks to everyone that helped, The brilliant people at Staff Counselling, Occupational Health, Dr Jan van Niekerk, everyone at Laundry Farm, staff and management. The Union for giving me much needed distraction and most of all Pete and Big Vern for putting up with me.
I have written this in the hope that it may encourage someone to take that first step and ask for help.
Links
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/
*Look I wrote this a while ago, its not my fault Google are playing silly buggers, its not like they read this and thought ooh that’s a good idea…
Peeking Over The Parapet... 